J.D. Vance’s Political Career is Sofa Going So Bad.
A very-not-real news report of a very-real rumour.
We cannot cushion the blow, or couch this in lies: J.D. Vance - author of Hillbilly Elegy, running mate of Donald Trump’s (for now), and owner of a beady visage that asks: “What if Norm Macdonald’s face got shrunk in the wash, while the rest of his head stayed the same size?” - is having a rough go of it lately.
In recent days, Vance has somehow become beset by (what his campaign must hope are) spurious online rumours that he once canoodled with a couch. Screwed a sofa. Porked a cushion. Dallied with a divan. Sullied a sofa bed. Shagged a chaise longue. Copulated with a canapé. Settled for a settee. Made the beast with two backs with a seat for two bottoms. Had a KIVIK quickie. Looked for coins behind the cushions with his dick.
An anonymous aid alleges that Vance confided in them that, quote, “the couch came onto me before I came on the couch.”
When reached for comment, Vance’s spokesperson said that the senator was busy campaigning in his nearest Mall of America. Locals report seeing him always standing close to the massage chairs.